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I personally believe in the Sumerian view of death. You descend forever into a dark underworld, a huge cave filled with nothing but dust and silence. Then again, after living with a wife and daughter, a little silence may seem like heaven.

I like to think God exists, and I’d also like to imagine the afterlife is whatever you want to make it. My day would start with me waking up at the crack of noon and checking on my harem of Victoria’s Secret models. They ironically would be forced to serve in my personal heaven as part of their personal hells.

After checking on the girls, I would head on into town and visit the new bar. In my heaven, a new bar opens every day, and I’m the only customer. Smoking is permitted, and the bartender is a mute version of Sam Malone from Cheers.

I would then drive home drunk in a magical car that not only evades the police but drives itself when I inevitably fall asleep behind the wheel.

After returning home I would settle into my easy chair, pour myself a night-cap and turn on my wife. And just so there isn’t any confusion here, I literally mean to turn her on. In my personal heaven, all women would have on/off switches.

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