saggy I love my neighborhood, and I get along great with all of my neighbors except for one, Jayson. For one, it’s Jayson with a “y” which just irks me, but I guess that’s more of a knock on his parents than him.

He’s also fat and when he runs he has that weird fat-kid shuffle where it seems like he’s wearing flip-flops even though he isn’t, but even that isn’t the real reason I despise him.

He’s just a little cunt.

When I’m grilling he unfailingly happens to come into his grandma’s yard to tell me “meat is murder.” When I’m washing my SUV he spontaneously appears to say something about my gas guzzler. When I’m drunk and trying to throw beer bottles down my chimney he whines I’m making too much noise.

Like I said. He’s a twat.

Our mutual neighbor Alvin is not a twat. He served in Korea, tells black jokes without even bothering to look over his shoulder, and he once “accidentally” hit my idiot brother-in-law in the head with a 4×4 while we were building my deck.

Yesterday Alvin and I were having a lazy day drinking on my porch after I power-washed the house when Jayson got off the bus and commented that he was glad his grandparents weren’t drunks.

I gave him the finger and he went away, and then Alvin told me something hilarious. Jayson’s granny may not be a drunk, but back in the day she used to be the town slut, and for a second I was shocked. It’s hard to imagine old people were ever sexually active, and it’s even harder to picture the nice old lady across the street bobbin’ on every knob in town.

While I don’t normally look down on sexual promiscuity, it will be fun to watch that smug smile drain off Jayson’s face the next time he mouths off and I tell him the White Pine Volunteer Fire Department once ran a train on his granny after they went skinny dipping in the old quarry.

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