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For years I’ve ignored both science and basic common sense and steadfastly denied your existence, but that’s all about to change. It’s so goddamned hot here, I can barely stand it. It’s officially Africa hot, and that’s where I draw the line.

I’m not the only one feeling the strain. I basically live in an old-folks community, and the geezers here are dropping like flies. Twice in the last week I’ve been woken up by an ambulance hauling one of those old coots to the glue factory, and I’m tired of it. It’s clear there’s only one way to fix this problem. We need a nuclear war.

According to scientists, a nuclear exchange would not only launch dirt and debris into the upper atmosphere, but the burning cities would send super-heated plumes of smoke and soot up there as well. This dirt, smoke and ash would remain aloft for years and block much of the sun’s heat from reaching the earth.

As a result, temperatures would plummet world-wide. Earlier predictions of a nuclear winter were probably exaggerated, but even a limited war would hopefully be able to produce a pleasant nuclear autumn. As someone who loves both autumn and carnage, it’s tough for me to contain my excitement.

Since our cowardly politicians would never launch a premeditated nuclear strike on a defenseless enemy, I guess I’ll just have to sit and hope that foreign leaders with bigger balls take the lead. I love the insanity displayed by Iran’s leaders, but they just don’t have the arsenal to make this happen.

It looks like all my hopes are riding on you, Pakistan. You’re due for a new war with India, anyway, and since you both have nukes, I have my fingers crossed.