cat If you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance someone sent you here because they hate you and want you to die.

Maybe you’re a Facebook philosopher who is smarter than everyone else on the planet and has all the answers. Maybe you diddle kids. I don’t know, and I’m not here to judge you. I’m just here to help you shuffle off this mortal coil.

First off, don’t listen to those fools who advocate the suicide bag/helium hood. You’re not David Carradine, and asphyxiation is not for you. The same goes for pills. If you’re serious about this, you need to do it right, and that calls for good old fashioned hardware.

You need a gun, and not just any gun. You need a shotgun.

I recommend the Rossi single-shot 12 gauge. There’s no sense buying a more expensive weapon because you’ll only fire it once, and at $129, this gun is a real bargain.

The 12 gauge shell is also a heavy hitter, and with one pull of the trigger both your cares and the top of your skull should disappear in an instant. But, as with all things, there are risks.

Although guns work for a lot of people, a small minority just end up blowing off their faces. That’s why you need to make sure you’re standing in water that’s at least waist-deep before pulling the trigger. That way, even if the gun fails, the water won’t.