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Guns.  That’s right, they need boom sticks. Nobody takes Occupy seriously because they’re just a bunch of mincing little pussies camping out and whining about things they don’t like. The age of the peaceful protest is over. If you want to get noticed, you need to make some noise.

Occupy DC is only a few miles from the Virginia border, and my fair state sells guns by the thousands. Technically hundreds of thousands. There were 321,166 state-required background checks for firearms purchases in Virginia in 2011. If you’re not a Virginia resident, don’t worry. You can still buy shotguns and rifles, provided you’re not a felon and the purchase doesn’t violate your home-state’s laws.

For under a $1,000 you can buy an assault rifle, 30-round magazines and two hundred rounds of ammo. If you don’t have that much money, you can always put it on your credit card. In Virginia you can’t buy a lottery ticket with plastic, but there’s nothing that says you can’t buy a gun and pay for it later.

You stupid hippies need to take my word on this. There’s something magical about owning a gun. And once you start waving that thing around you’ll get such a rush of confidence you’ll feel like there isn’t anything you can’t do.

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