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 Look, I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. One in five women between the ages of 20 and 44 have no children, and I understand that ticking biological clock is causing you to act out in strange ways. Some of you throw yourselves into your work, some live life like they’re trapped in a state of perpetual adolescence, and the worst of all pretend like the animals they own are their children. Trust me, they’re not.

If you died in your house tomorrow, chances are one of your children wouldn’t eat you. I might, but I’m an exception here. Dogs are perfectly willing to eat dead humans, and they make no exception for their masters. I recall a story last year from Saskatchewan where a rural couple died, and their five dogs happily ate both of them. This isn’t an isolated occurrence. Many cultures consider dogs unclean precisely because of this type of behavior.

I like dogs, but I’m not an idiot so I don’t believe they have human emotions. Nearly 500 people a day visit the ER because they were bitten by a pet in their home, and I’m sure every single one of them considered that animal a member of their family right up until the second it sunk its teeth into their flesh.

At their core all dogs are still wild animals, and it only nuzzles you or wags its tail when it sees you because we’ve selected for those traits. We mistake them for love and so the dogs who displayed them get favored.

Much like women, dogs will respond to anyone who gives them food and attention. Also like women, they can get anxious or lonely when you’re not there, but as soon as they find someone else to care for them, they forget about you pretty quickly. So remember, women and dogs do not love you, and you’re a fool to believe otherwise.