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My wife has a friend who has decided after a ten-year marriage that she is now a lesbian. This chick was always annoying, but now she’s downright insufferable. She interprets everything through her new vagina-colored glasses, and she even used Christmas to push her agenda.

She gave my daughter a book called Heather Has Two Mommies, and she bought my son a stuffed doll. My daughter kept trying to take the doll because she’s a girl, and girls love dolls, but this troll threatened to take the gift back if she didn’t leave it for her brother. My daughter then got so mad she took the doll into the bathroom and threw it in the toilet. If she couldn’t have it, no one could.

Sometimes I really like that kid.

I actually think it would be funnier if instead of writing new books, classic books were rewritten with a gay slant. For example, Bi-Curious George and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory would practically write themselves.

For those pre-teens, you could do Little Women. It would be the tale of four precocious sisters growing up in Massachusetts during the Civil War. You can’t get too graphic because it’s still a kid’s book, but I would start every chapter with at least one of them in the bathroom brushing the hair out of her teeth.

Any publishers interested? I could write it in a week.