Slavery gets a bad rap because it’s often linked to racism, but what if we changed all that. Rather than enslaving a particular race or culture, how about we opened things up and said anyone could be a slave. It wouldn’t matter if you’re black, white, yellow or brown, you’ll all be equal when the slave catcher comes to town.

There are over 311 million Americans, and if we enslaved just 20% of them, that’s over 60 million slaves. We could literally export our way out of this financial crisis, and we could do it with commodities we already have.

I’m sure there are plenty of wealthy Arab sheiks willing to pay big money for hot chicks, and I imagine stars like Angelina Jolie or Christina Hendricks would go for millions a piece. We probably want to round up as many Hollywood actresses and famous musicians as quickly as possible because their notoriety will really drive up prices.

We also shouldn’t overlook male actors and musicians. Justin Bieber may look twelve, but he’s actually legal, and he could net us a small fortune. I predict wealthy pedophiles would literally fight to own him, and if the price is right, one lucky guy could be sodomizing him in his giant mansion by supper time.

After we sell all of our famous people, we would still have plenty of ordinary people left. They wouldn’t make us huge profits individually, but we’d be able to compensate for that by sheer volume.

I for one would be very interested in a house midget, but since there won’t be many of them, I doubt I could get one in my price range. Then again, if I sold my wife and kids, maybe I could. Maybe I could.