World AIDS Day is held on December first of every year, and for the twenty-fourth year in a row, I didn’t get a single goddamn AIDS Day present.

I casually hinted to my mom, wife and friends what I wanted, but I guess a guy has to actually have AIDS to get something on this made-up, Hallmark holiday. I bet AIDS patients got all kinds of cool stuff. Hats and gloves because they’re always cold. Bandages to cover their sores. Motivational posters with a little cat dangling precariously off a tree limb with the caption, “Hang In There.”

I’m a crappy husband, but I get a gift on Valentine’s Day. I’m a shitty father, but I still get a gift on Father’s Day. Why don’t I get anything on World AIDS Day? Do I have to go cruise some seedy rest stop and have anonymous sex with homosexuals to get a damn gift?

Look family, I don’t want to do anything drastic here, but I will. Next year, when I hang my AIDS Day stocking by the fireplace, there better be something good in it on AIDS Day morning.