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People keep dogging Mitt Romney for being an out-of-touch elitist who lacks the common touch. Guess what, our nation was founded by elitists, and some of our best presidents hated the common man. If I was Romney I wouldn’t hide my money; I would flaunt the living shit out of it.

For example, if there was a debate I wouldn’t just saunter up to the podium by myself; I’d bring an entourage. I’m talking an MC Hammer entourage. There’d be like 40 people, and I’d have no idea what in the hell half of them even did.

I would also make it rain at every campaign stop. Every time I stopped you’d see a shower of fives, tens and twenties coming out of my hands. I might even bring strippers too. Why not? I’m rich, bitch.

Contrary to what people pretend, they love a winner. And nothing let’s people know you’re successful like conspicuous displays of wealth. Flashy cars, hot women and bling are status symbols and Romney needs to embrace them. He also needs to drop that ridiculous religion of his and embrace something more fun. I suggest Mexican/Irish-style Catholicism. You can still drink, and if you do something terrible, absolution is never more than a confessional away.