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On a few issues I’m so far to the right, I make Hitler look like a left-wing vegetarian pussy. The last thing I see before I go to sleep is the signed picture of Jesus I bought off Ebay, and the first thing I see when I wake up is my pillow gun, which always seems to find its way into my hands as I sleep. That being said, I can’t wait to vote for Obama this November.

George W. Bush was a historically bad president. He added nearly $5 trillion to the debt, started two pointless wars, saddled an already failing public education system with “no child left behind,” and did nothing to fix our broken immigration system. Most damning of all, he never once made Canada give us its lunch money, even though we’re way stronger and Canada is a second-rate little chump.

Obama has proven to be just as bad as Bush, but until there is a viable conservative alternative, it’s better to just let the Democrats stumble around aimlessly for another four years. Mitt Romney is just an empty suit. Gingrich is a pumpkin-headed sociopath and Santorum is the consummate political insider now trying to recast himself as a guy who wants to reform the system and shake things up. He was the third-highest ranking Republican in the Senate for Christ’s sake.

At some point as a nation we decided to abandon the principals of fiscal conservatism, industrial development and a rational foreign policy. We’ve instead given in to unbridled foreign intervention and shifted our domestic focus from the debt and economy to a bunch of stupid moral issues like same-sex marriage, abortion and “family values.” Those issues may be important intellectually, but they don’t put food on the table.

I don’t care if a president bangs his secretary while getting a same-sex rimjob from his VP. I just want someone who can submit a balanced budget, secure our borders, fight unfair trade practices and slash the size of government. Is there anyone out there who really wants to do that? I’ll vote for you as many times as I can.

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