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When I was a kid, there was no such thing as the Internet, so we had sex education. If I remember correctly, it was a one-time deal where a guidance counselor came to our classroom and talked about pregnancy, STDs and fun stuff like that. I do vaguely recall asking if we could let the class slut put a condom on a banana with her mouth, but as usual, my helpful suggestions were ignored.

The other day I read that parents in Texas were upset a program geared toward 12-year-old kids had graphic descriptions of oral, anal and vaginal sex. Parents have the option to opt their kid out of the program, but many expressed fears it was too advanced for their kids.

As a man and a parent of a son, let me put your fears at ease. If your boy has had at least five minutes of unsupervised Internet time, he has already viewed some pretty crazy shit. I’m talking Cleveland Steamers, Tijuana donkey shows and granny trains.

If it exists, he has seen it, and I promise you that anything taught in sex ed is tame by comparison. If anything, sex ed might be useful to bring your kid back down to reality.

It should be used to explain things like women don’t really like it when you cut a hole through the bottom of a popcorn bucket and stick your dick up through it. Ditto for the old pizza box trick. Basically, don’t stick your penis into any box or bucket and surprise someone with it. It never works the way you think it’s going to work.

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