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My Mommy Does My Makeup



As a Braves fan I’m obligated to hate everyone else in their division. It’s easy to dislike the Phillies, but as a resident of Northern Virginia, it was more difficult to summon a proper hatred for the Washington Nationals. Lucky for me that all changed during the 2010 draft when the Nats used their number-one pick to secure the services of Bryce Harper.

I have to imagine that when little Bryce Harper was in the womb, the fluid in his amniotic sack was approximately 95% water and 5% vinegar. I suspect a douche-like environment is his natural habitat, and it’s the ideal place for him to really thrive.

He has often been called the Lebron James of baseball, and for years people touted him as the sport’s biggest rising star. Also like Lebron the adulation went to his head, and it transformed him into an insufferable little cunt.

On Tuesday the little princess was in Toronto, and after the game he decided to take a break from his usual habit of not signing autographs for kids to talk to the media. At one point a reporter jokingly asked if he was going to celebrate his earlier homerun by taking advantage of Canada’s lower drinking age and having a beer. His prissy little Mormon response, “That’s a clown question, bro.”

Ass-wipes from Cairo to Caroline county popped their collars and cheered. Even as we speak this moronic phrase is being quoted by frat boys and will become the comeback of choice for morons for months to come. It was so perfect it even ended with bro, even though chief or brah would have also worked.

People have joked that if he makes it into the Baseball Hall Of Fame, this phrase should adorn his bust in Cooperstown, and they’re absolutely right. It sums this prick up perfectly.

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