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When I was a kid almost all cereals had a prize, and if you saw one that didn’t, it was a crappy health food like Special K that was being marketed to fat women. I still have fond memories of the old prizes like tattoo books, little cars, compasses and the plastic boats you filled with baking soda and watched zoom around the sink or toilet.

Nowadays none of the cereals have anything good in them, and some of them even use the appearance of a prize to rip you off. My box of Mini-Wheats is touting some campaign to feed underprivileged kids and offering a limited edition Kellogg’s collector’s spoon for the bargain price of $3 and one UPC. If you pay $3 for this stupid spoon, they will donate the money equivalent to one school breakfast for underprivileged kids.

The most amazing thing is if you read the fine print, each school breakfast costs twenty cents. I had no idea you could feed a kid for that, and now I regret those years of splurging on mine.

Basically Kellogg’s is using your good will to screw you. They’re charging you $3 for a spoon that costs them pennies, a donation that costs them an additional twenty cents, and whatever they pay to mail you the spoon. They pocket over a buck and half profit on top of what you already paid for their overpriced cereal, and they even get to write off the cost of the donation.

Thanks a lot Kellogg’s. Maybe your next promotion can be a set of oversized wax lips so you can pretend to kiss people before you fuck them.

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