pig A Latte

You have not worn a pair of shoes or pants that fit comfortably since you were six years old. On rainy days you also hear the high-pitched voice of an old woman telling you to push strangers into traffic.

Anything With “Cino” In It

You have chlamydia.

Straight Espresso

If you’re a man, you’ve dated a woman named Logan, Brooke, Madison or Chloe in the last two years. If you’re a woman, you’ve stalked an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend to the point where that person considered getting a restraining order against you.

Unsweetened Iced Tea

You have diabetes and will have a foot amputated on August 24, 2026. The procedure will go smoothly, but you will never completely adjust to life in a wheelchair.


You’re cool, calculating and a bit of a psychopath. Remember when that nut-sack cut you off on I-95 and then gave you the finger? You didn’t freak out and immediately retaliate. Nope, you calmly wrote down that prick’s license plate number, took a six-week course to become a licensed private detective and then tracked him down and beat him with a pipe when he walked out of his door to go to work.