Mini Cooper – You have a wife, one kid in college and another in high school. Ever since you were born 45 years ago, you’ve been known as Mitch, but after you bought this car, you want to be called Mitchell. You also developed a newfound love of bathhouses, pre-revolutionary avant-garde Russian art and casual encounters with men you’ve met on craigslist.

Ford Mustang – It has taken you a lifetime of work at the paper mill to afford this beauty, but now, she’s all yours. Now suck in your gut, put on some Old Spice and enjoy a nice slow cruise past the local elementary school. After all, you earned it.

Any Subaru – You have a vagina.

Volkswagen Jetta – Well, it happened. You’ve got chlamydia again. But how, and where? Was it from that cute guy you met at the coffee shop? Your boyfriend? That on-again, off-again thing you have with the Brazilian who lives in your building? God does your cooch burn.

Cadillac Escalade – You’ll show that bitch for leaving you. She’s telling all her friends how you can’t even get it up without the little blue pill. We’ll see how much she’s laughing when you empty your TEC-9 into her house. Fuck it, Hennessy, let’s do this.