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Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I’m not going to lie to you. I will not use this money to help the poor, ease the suffering of children or feed the hungry. I am going to buy a ship, hire a competent and experienced crew and attack those goddamn hippies on Whale Wars and sink their boats.

If those Libyan terrorists, I mean freedom fighters, will sell me one of those “missing” shoulder-launched rockets, I might even take out their little helicopter, too.

This show infuriates me, but I continue to watch just because these bungling beatniks are usually a screw-up away from death. I’ve only watched four episodes, and someone has nearly killed themselves or a crewmate in every one.

In the first episode I watched, their Zodiac boat collided with another ship and then wandered off and got lost. In another, their super-stealth, multi-million-dollar craft, Ady Gill, collided with another boat and was later sunk. In another, their ship the Bob Barker hit another ship. In the fourth, they somehow managed to flip the Zodiac while trying to put it in the water and dumped the crew into the frozen sea.

Are you stupid hippies for real? Maybe you should practice putting the Zodiac in the water before going to sea. And another thing, oceans cover 71% of the earth’s surface and are mostly empty. How do you constantly run into things? I’ve seen old ladies navigate a Walmart parking lot with more skill.

In the last episode I watched, these half-wits chased a Japanese boat for hundreds and hundreds of miles to put a tracking device on it. That’s a great idea. Here’s a better one. Find out where the Japanese fleet docks and put the tracking devices on them there. Then, you won’t have to sail around aimlessly like a group of blind retards playing a game of grab-ass.

I hate these imbeciles so much; they’ve somehow turned my indifference to whaling into support for whaling. I may just take the wife to Reykjavik for our anniversary so we can have some fresh whale sashimi.

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