International politics used to be like a rigged card game. You used every trick in the book to try to screw over your opponents, and if outright cheating and duplicity failed, you attempted to kick their asses.

Hell, Britain actually fought two separate wars with China to protect their right to sell them dangerous and debilitating drugs.

What happened to you, Britain? You used to be so cool.

Now, everyone bitches and whines about human rights, and we’re not even supposed to exploit other nations. Then what’s the point of having poor nations at all?

I’m currently looking at the world map on my wall, and staring right back at me is the huge continent of Africa. We used to exploit the living hell out of that place. We didn’t’ just take their precious commodities like gold and ivory, we even took the people.

Why did we stop doing that, again?

I don’t think I’ll ever understand nitwits who want to make a positive difference in the world. The very idea of willingly going to some third-world shithole and volunteering is just insane.

Instead of helping those peasants get clean water and improved sanitation the only sensible play is to arm a small band of loyal followers and use them to oppress the rest of the population into abject subservience. That’s how you get ahead. Not by doing good deeds for free.

Our nation is beset with economic problems because we’ve strayed from these proven principles. Instead of foreign aid, we should offer foreign AIDS. What I mean by that is we should fill a bomb full of AIDS and then threaten to drop it on anyone who doesn’t give us what we want.

And don’t even tell me we can’t build an AIDS bomb because I know we could. We simply lack the political will to construct one.