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I spend an average of 15 to 20 hours a week driving, and I can’t help but think that if modern vehicles had old-school steel bumpers, I’d be a lot happier.

For example, when I invariably run up behind some dilly cunt doing the speed limit in the left lane, I’d use my bumper to give her a little nudge. If she ignored it, I’d do it again, but harder until she finally moved her ass.

In a way it would be a lot like sex only she would still be conscious and unharmed when I was done.

They should also do away with paved shoulders and make them lanes. If someone’s car breaks down, they should just be rammed off into the woods and have to wait until traffic dies down to reclaim their piece of shit, and usually American-made, vehicle.

They should also do away with high occupancy vehicle (HOV) lanes. My area of northern Virginia has ridiculous HOV lanes that run north in the morning and south in the evening. The problem is that when the lanes end, you reduce five lanes to three and have three-mile backups. It would have been better to just add one or two lanes to each direction.

People say you can’t build your way out of traffic jams, and if you build more lanes, it will just result in more drivers. I guess in a way that makes sense, and last time I checked the whole sky is just sitting there doing nothing.

There aren’t any lanes up there and we should all get ultralight autogyros like James Bond had in “You Only Live Twice.” We could also mount guns on them so if you got bored, you could take a break and go strafe shit.

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