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People ask me all the time, “Codajoy, what’s your secret? Your children behave like little angels in public even though you’re a loudmouth drunk with little to no impulse control. How do you do it?”

Well, my friends, gather round and receive this one tip that will make you father of the year. If you want children who obey your commands like they very word of God, you have to punish them when they misbehave. And if you want the lesson to stick, you have to at least consider waterboarding them.

I know, I know, waterboarding has gotten a terrible rap, and every bleeding heart liberal from Corsica to Caroline County calls it torture, but they have no idea what they’re talking about. Listening to a woman tell you about her day is torture. This is a picnic compared to that.

In waterboarding all you do it lay someone on a flat surface, strap them down, put a thin cloth over their face and then pour water over their head to cause the sensation of drowning. They’re not really drowning at all. You’re just making them feel like they’re drowning.

In reality, they’re as safe as they would be if they were lying in a bed of silk while being gently rocked to sleep by Jesus himself.

Trust me, this technique is an essential addition to your parenting toolbox, but it does have a few drawbacks. Frequent bed-wetting and night terrors are common, and my children have also tried to murder me in my sleep on three separate occasions. Aside from that, everything has been A OK.