Redskins Team President Bruce Allen

By most measures, American Indians aren’t doing well. Their average incomes are far below the national average, the white man’s sweet, sweet fire-water continues to devastate their communities and thanks to heavy-handed wildlife policies, they’re only allowed to use half of the buffalo.

That being said, they’re still doing better than the NFL’s Washington Redskins.

The Skins pulled off one of their few competent moves a few years ago when they hired proven talent evaluator and magical drunk, Scot McCloughan, to be their general manager. Not coincidentally, they also posted their first back-to-back winning seasons in nearly 20 years.

Unfortunately, much like the Little Bighorn, this minor victory was fleeting because team president and human shit-stain Bruce Allen reportedly became jealous of all the credit McCloughan was getting and engineered his ouster.

Sure the team was 28-55 under Allen before McCloughan joined, but he can suddenly become competent, right?

Nope. Today was the first day of free agency, and the Skins are now the first team in league history to lose two wide receivers that had at least a thousand receiving yards the previous year.

And it was also leaked today that their quarterback, Kirk Cousins, offered to sign a team friendly long-term deal last year but Allen vetoed it. Instead, he countered with an absurdly low offer that pissed off Cousins so much he has now asked to be traded.

God I wish I had a nice smallpox blanket right about now.