As an Atlanta Braves fan, I’m contractually obligated to root against all the other teams in the division. And while I have no love for the Mets, Marlins and Phillies, I flat-out loathe the Washington Nationals and am overjoyed to see these over-hyped jagoffs eliminated from post-season play.
And all of my well-founded animosity starts with Bryce “The Bitch Wrinkle” Harper.
Sometimes you meet or see someone and for whatever reason, you just don’t like them. Other times that person says or does something so fucking stupid a seed of dislike is planted, and it eventually grows into a mighty oak of hate.
In other, rarer times, a douche geyser of epic proportions spews forth from the earth like a force of nature, and that deluge of lady-part cleaner is Bryce Aron Max Harper.
There are infinite reasons to hate Bryce Harper. He admitted he spends 30 minutes styling his signature little hair flip before each game. He calls people “bro,” blows kisses to pitchers after hitting home runs and is just generally an insufferable little cunt.
Last week the little prince complained because Jonathan Papelbon hit Manny Machado with a pitch after Machado show-boated after a home run, and Bryce was afraid he would be hit in retaliation.
Papelbon wasn’t happy about Bitch Wrinkle whining to the media, and next time he saw him dogging it, he called him out on it. Like a petulant child, Bryce started whining again, and Papelbon showed amazing restraint by not delivering a back-handed bitch slap right across his smug little mouth.
Instead, he correctly grabbed Bryce’s throat and choked him while slamming his punk ass into the dugout wall.
Hopefully, this bit of tough love is exactly what Bitch Wrinkle needs to straighten up and fly right. Otherwise, other players should also choke him just as hard as his shitty team choked after being picked as prohibitive pre-season World Series favorites.