madonna I can’t imagine how much it sucks to operate a spa or beauty salon. You somehow have to convince old and unattractive people you can make them beautiful; when in reality nothing short of a magic wand could make a difference.

Just look at that picture of Madonna that shows what she really looks like before Photoshop works its magic.

She is disgusting, and she has a veritable army of make-up artists, chefs, and personal trainers whose only job is to make her not look disgusting. So what hope is there for the rest of you?

Luckily, much like delusion, hope springs eternal, and the newest beauty craze from the Orient is to immerse yourself in a tank of pencil-sized eels and let them nibble off all your dead and decaying skin.

But, you probably want to wear a tight swimsuit. Otherwise, you’ll end up like Zhang Nan, a 56-year-old man from Hubei province in China.

He opted for the treatment a few years ago, and while in the tank he said he “felt a severe pain” and realized an eel had gotten into the end of penis. It eventually made its way to his kidney, and he needed a three-hour surgery to remove it.

This is precisely why I always double the amount of chlorine in my pool. It may make my skin and eyes turn a nice shade of red, but I’m reasonably sure nothing that can swim up my dick hole can survive in that environment.

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