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I use a lot of temps for my business, and they never cease to amaze me. They can barely follow simple directions, and they never seem to understand the “bad luck” that plagues them is the direct result of their lifetime of stupid decisions.

I will always remember one guy who told me about how he started getting sick after his son was born. He couldn’t keep food down and lost over fifty ponds in six months. It turns out his girlfriend was secretly poisoning him because she was pissed he banged her sister while she was pregnant. Now he can’t eat anything other than protein shakes because of the damage to his stomach lining.

About half the temps have a story like this, but much like a dog or cat, every once in a while one of these dumb animals will surprise me.

As we were driving down the road yesterday, a teen punk cut me off, and when I slammed on the brakes and hit the horn, his little friend gave me the finger. I was pissed and commented how much I would like to strangle that kid when my temp typed his license plate into his phone and proceeded to give me the car owner’s name and address.

Keep in mind this is the same guy I watched walk into the glass door at McDonald’s twice that morning. Now he’s suddenly a little private eye who can track down anyone with a few keystrokes.

I eventually made the mistake of asking him why he had that service, and he explained that if he saw a pretty girl driving, he liked to be able to contact her. I didn’t press him for details, but I just assumed he meant rape when he said contact.