February 14th will be here before you know it, and it’s time you thought about getting a gift for that special someone in your life. If it’s a wife or girlfriend, don’t buy her chocolates and candy. You don’t want her to get fat and unattractive. Get her something she can use, like a vacuum cleaner. Not only will you get a clean house, but she will burn calories which will help keep her fit and trim.

For your mistress, that’s where you want to consider candies and chocolates. They make a cheap gift, and you can pick them up at any CVS. And if all those sweets go right to her ass, it will give you the perfect excuse to move on to her hotter sister or friend.

If you’re a woman, fight the urge to go the sentimental route. Unless it’s a book full of blowjob coupons, no one wants your stupid homemade gift. And for the love of God don’t put on some new lingerie and pretend like that’s a gift for him. All you did was waste some money when all he really wants to see is the back of your head.