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My daughter and I watched the movie The Beaver, starring Mel Gibson, America’s greatest living actor and the only man brave enough to ask the question, “What are you looking at, sugar tits?”

My daughter loves puppets, and even though the movie was over the head of a toddler, she was riveted by the scenes with the beaver, (SPOILER ALERT – don’t read any further if you want to watch the movie) that is until the part where Mr. Gibson cut off his arm to free himself of the puppet. She hated that but also laughed when it was done.

Since my daughter is a little psychotic, after the movie she immediately went and found her Lamb Chop puppet and started talking with it. She also quickly discovered if she said a bad word with the puppet I found it hilarious, and she didn’t get punished. My wife wasn’t as forgiving, but once I told her what movie we watched she was too angry with me to punish our kid.

My brother-and-sister-in-law came over later that night, and they’re both nice but annoying, and after a few hours I wanted them to leave. Since I’m no longer allowed to turn the lights on and off to get people to pack up, I decided to try the puppet approach. I put little Lamb Chop on my hand and told them Mike was tired of them eating his food and drinking his alcohol, and they needed to get the fudge out.

A surprising thing then happened. They got up and left, and no one seemed particularly pissed. The puppet worked, and I can’t wait to take him to my mom’s next weekend so he can explain how her riding lawnmower ended up rolled over and stuck in the swamp behind my house.

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