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asian studying Frustrated by the steadfast refusal of Asian-Americans to give up on school, stop working long hours and become helpless wards of the state, the U.S. Department of Justice is considering applying the doctrine of “disparate impact” to all of them.

This legal theory, also known as the “Harrison Bergeron Principle,” holds that any practice that has an adverse impact on a minority group is illegal, even if it doesn’t violate any other rules or regulations.

Department of Justice spokesman Ken Kaniff elaborated. “You remember when you were in school, and some smart kid kept blowing the curve? Well that’s exactly what Asians are doing, and it needs to be stopped.”

Asian Americans are the highest-income, best-educated group in the United States, and according to a survey by the Pew Research Center, they place more value than other Americans on marriage, parenthood, hard work and career success.

“This nonsense has to stop, and it needs to stop now,” Mr. Kaniff said. “How are we supposed to justify a giant government bureaucracy if the group least dependent on that bureaucracy is the most successful?”

At this point Mr. Kaniff abruptly concluded his interview. It seems an eight-year-old girl opened a lemonade stand across town without a government permit, and Mr. Kaniff and 47 other agents and a SWAT team were dispatched to shut her down.