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California treasure hunter Bill Warren claimed in an interview with the Spanish newspaper El Mundo to have located the body of Osama bin Laden. The corpse was dumped somewhere in the North Arabian Sea, but Bill claims to have analyzed the pictures and to have identified the location. I’m not really sure how you do that on a featureless body of water, but Bill claims to have pulled it off.

He now just needs $200 thousand dollars of financing so he can rent some Russian diving equipment and retrieve that body bag quicker than you can say bullshit three times.

Unfortunately for Bill’s credibility, this isn’t the first time he has falsely claimed to have located something in the ocean’s depths. He previously claimed to have found the Spanish ship Trinidad that sunk with a fortune of Aztec gold in 1540. Since he’s still running scams, he probably didn’t really find it.

The truth is that if bin Laden was really buried at sea, he will never be found. It would be like finding a women’s softball team without at least six lesbians. It’s just never going to happen.

They didn’t want to bury Osama on land because they were afraid his burial site would have become a shrine, but I had a much better idea. We should have stuffed him and mounted his corpse in the lobby of the new building at ground zero.

If the taxidermist was really good, he could have even posed him. I think him hiding behind a woman while an animatronic SEAL team member calmly walks up and shoots him in the face would have been appropriate. I’d also guess there isn’t much of a chance that would have become a shrine.

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