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Tom Perez is a former chiropractor from Houston, TX and he somehow became a millionaire. Instead of spending that money on hookers and drugs like a normal man, he has blown it prepping for the apocalypse.

He bought a 700-acre spread a few hours outside of Houston and has spent millions fortifying it into his own little Doomsday bunker. There’s only one problem. Tom is a giant pussy and a crybaby, and in the event of Armageddon, someone with a set of nuts is going to slap him around and take all his stuff.

On last week’s episode of the show Doomsday Preppers, we met Tom and his prepping buddy, Steve Vanasse. Steve has a responsible job as a radiation inspector, but he’s a dead ringer for Randy Quaid, which automatically makes you assume he’s nuts and/or mildly retarded.

As the show chronicled their joint efforts to survive the decline of man, Steve and Tom got in an above-ground blind, and Steve fired a round from his .308 rifle. Even though Tom was wearing hearing protection, the discharge from the gun was so loud he cried.

Yes, you read that right, he cried. He rolled around on the ground like a goddamned infant, wailed and puked. After a few minutes he realized he was ok, pulled up his big-boy pants and then told Steve it was all his fault and they couldn’t be friends anymore.

They eventually made up and became pals again, but if I was Steve, I would have walked away. As I have always said, it’s never, ever acceptable for a man to cry. If I could hold it together after I accidentally shot myself in the nuts with a potato cannon, you can tolerate a little hearing loss.

I shoot all the time and never wear earplugs because there’s actually one great benefit from losing your hearing. You tend to lose high-end hearing first, which is the same vocal range as most women and children. Because of that I haven’t clearly heard a thing my wife or kids have said in years, and I can’t necessarily say that’s a bad thing.

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