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Tom Brady, seen here in happier days pretending to be a top, is reportedly in a deep depression after losing his second straight Super Bowl to the New York Giants. Those closest to the Patriots quarterback state he “is in a little funk” and spent most of last night “eating a gallon of rocky road ice cream and watching the complete Sex and the City box set.”

Initially there were fears that he may be contemplating suicide after the stunning loss. Brady reportedly opened a full bottle of children’s aspirin and pretended to shake the pills into his mouth. “You could see he was covering the opening of the bottle with his thumb,” one witness said. “I guess he just needed a little attention and someone to rub his back while telling him he’s still the best quarterback ever.”

Concerned friends and family have reached out to Bill Belichick, but they have been unable to contact him. Reputable sources claim that Belichick has returned to hell to find out why Satan abandoned him twice against his hated rivals.

As we continue to watch Tom Brady, we can only hope that the pain of this loss will soon fade. His wife, supermodel Gizzball Gisele Bundchen, has reportedly already booked a special shopping trip to cheer him up. “As soon as he starts trying on new clothes and sees how pretty he looks, he’ll be as good as new,” she reportedly said.