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Doctors

My kids are colossal pains in the ass, and not a day goes by that I don’t fantasize about a meteorite hurtling down from space and killing me so I don’t have to deal with them for another second.

They don’t listen, they destroy everything they touch, and the rare times they’re not making noise I know they’re up to something so bad I have to act quickly before they burn down the goddamned house.

In a word, they’re kids.

If you look at that picture up there, you can see a doctor at some stupid seminar rolling on the floor and pretending to be a kid with ADHD. The objective is to help physicians and other healthcare professionals spot the signs of this made-up condition so they can prescribe mind-numbing medications to turn the kids into good little zombies.

Contrary to what billionaire drug companies would have you believe, misbehaving is not a mental disorder, and it doesn’t need psychiatric treatment. You just need a firm hand and a plan. I personally recommend the “T.L.C.” system, and the handy acronym makes it easy to remember.

The “T” stands for Threaten. If the child doesn’t listen, threaten to destroy something she or he likes. I find that a beloved pet is the most effective thing here.

If that doesn’t work, move on to “L” which stands for Lie. There’s no one lie that’s right for all situations, so feel free to get creative. When my daughter wouldn’t shut up the other day, I told her an escaped murderer was on the loose, and she had to be quiet and hide in the closet so he didn’t get her.

If the first two options fail, you need “C,” which stands for Call For Help.

Pick a person you know will lay down the law without mercy, compassion or remorse, and my first call is always to my wife’s insane grandmother.

She was raised in the Depression-Era South, and the only things she dislikes more than minorities are sassy children. And say what you will, but the memory of her chasing the kids while shouting profanity and trying to crack them in the skull with her cane never fails to put a smile on my face.

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