Dude.  Just let me squeeze your titties once and I'll stop asking.

Dude. Just let me squeeze your titties once and I’ll never ask again.

Ruth Smith from Bolingbrook, Illinois is using Kickstarter to try to raise $12,000 so she can start a plus-sized kid’s clothing line called “Hey Mom It Fits!” If successful her clothes will be designed for five to twelve-year-olds, and she claims they’ll have the largest sizes in the industry.

Waist sizes will start at 30 inches and end at 48 inches, and according to the Kickstarter page, the clothes are “designed to give children confidence in their personal style.”

My first question is why are you trying to give overweight children confidence in how they look? If you don’t bully them mercilessly they won’t develop the eating disorders they need to get thin to fit in with their peers.

I would rename the clothing line “Piglets!” and build a sensor into every shirt that can tell when the little porker stuffed something into his or her mouth. It would then emit an oinking sound until the kid spits it out.

And before you bleeding hearts start whining, childhood obesity isn’t just about looks. It’s the leading cause of preventable health problems in children, and if you care about them you’ll follow my example.

If your kids appear to be getting chubby, plan outdoor outings with them that disguise the fact that you’re exercising. Just last week we went to my family’s farm and played “Planet of the Apes,” and I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.

All you need to do is put on an Ape costume and chase your kids on horseback while trying to capture them in a giant net. The fear and adrenaline will really kick-start their metabolism and the subsequent night-terrors will ensure they’re burning calories 24 hours a day.