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The American Psychiatric Association produces a manual of mental disorders so doctors are better able to classify the vague symptoms and nonsensical complaints of their patients. In keeping with the times, they now plan to add Internet addiction as a disorder.

Don’t get me wrong; if you’re a schizophrenic, and your dog tells you to kill your neighbor because he’s the anti-Christ, you have a real disorder, and I hope you get help. But, just to be on the safe side, you should probably kill your neighbor. You never know. Your dog could be telling the truth.

If you’re online, and you don’t want to stop doing something that’s fun, that’s not a disorder. That is a perfectly rational and sane response to fun. If I didn’t have to pay the bills, I would play games and look at porn all day, too. It’s awesome.

One psychologist, Emil Hodzic, who runs a video game addiction clinic, takes issue with my flippant attitude and welcomes the change. He claims that Internet addiction isn’t only real, but produces real withdrawal symptoms.

Are you kidding me? When my kids get irritated and throw little fits because I tell them to cut off their tablets, I’m supposed to play along and pretend like that’s a withdrawal symptom. Please. It’s a tantrum. And, I’ll solve it just like I’ve solved all the others.

You see, I have a real addiction, and I don’t seek treatment for it because it rules. It’s called alcoholism, and just like when Popeye ate his spinach, when that sweet intoxicating liquid touches my lips, I’m magically endowed with the strength of five men or twenty children.

Now head on upstairs, kids. When you go online tomorrow you can look at all the pictures of shirtless daddy being wrestled to the ground in the front yard by the cops.

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