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I grew up on a farm, and I’ve never owned a dog that wasn’t a mutt. Honestly, I can’t understand why anyone would ever pay for a dog when you can always open up the newspaper and get one for free.

Some people say you’re just getting other people’s problem animals when you do that, but that’s because they were bad owners. I’ve found that if you quickly and forcefully bite a dog back that bites you, they’re far less likely to bite you again. And don’t give me that PETA nonsense that biting a dog is cruel. They’re covered in fur and you don’t even break the skin. You’re just trying to send a message, and that message is your owner is nuts and you better settle your ass down.

I haven’t owned a dog in a while because I’m so damned lazy I don’t like doing all the things you have to do to keep them alive. I used to have an automatic food and water dispensing machine but my wife freaked out when she caught our daughter drinking from it, and I had to pretend like that wasn’t the tenth time I saw her doing it. I also don’t like taking dogs for a walk or doing anything that even remotely resembles exercise.

All of these issues aside, I may crack and get a pug. My neighbor has one, and it’s awesome. This animal is so lazy I actually saw him fall asleep while eating yesterday. The owner also said you can’t walk them far because they overheat, and they hate exertion anyway. Wow, what a coincidence. I hate exertion, too. We already have more in common than me and my wife, and if it wasn’t for Virginia’s outdated bestiality laws, that pug could probably replace her completely.