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There’s something magical about watching retards. It combines the fun of going to the zoo with the drama of watching a reality show. They snip back and forth and jockey for social position in some indecipherable pecking order only they understand. They also tend to yell, put their hands in each other’s faces, and at some point, someone usually gets bitten.

Every Tuesday morning a local group-home takes their tards out for a little excursion, and at precisely 11:30 am, they go to the Burger King near my house for a snack. I’m pretty sure they chose this restaurant because it’s the only fast food joint around without a playground, which is a shame. I imagine the playground hijinks would be hilarious.

There was a new edition to the group this morning, and he appeared to be Mexican. I dubbed him Retardo, and I was hoping he was going to have a hot Latin temper. Unfortunately, he just sat and ate quietly without making a scene.

As I watched the male and female mongoloids eat, I was struck by the fact that they all looked strangely similar. I also noticed something else. Every single one had the exact same haircut. The more I thought about it, most retards seem to have this haircut. It’s a bowl-cut in the front tapering down to another bowl-cut in the back.

It’s magic, you know. You can watch them for years and still notice something exciting and new every time.