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Kim If America has proven one thing, it’s that we can kick the living shit out of weak countries without air forces or defensive missile technology. And barring an EMP burst or act of God to level the playing field, North Korea would fall to us in a few weeks.

That’s why I’m baffled that Kim Jong-un hasn’t backed down. Seriously, the guy looks like a failed genetic experiment, but he somehow lucked into the job of most powerful person in a country.

Sure, his country sucks, but he’s still the top guy in it. If he wants to walk through whatever in the hell he’s walking through in that picture and touch the exhibits, people just smile. That’s because they have to. He could literally have that guy in the giant hat fed to an octopus if he complained.

He has that kind of power, and it is fantastic!

If I was Kim, every night I would drop down to my fat little knees and thank the heavens for letting me hit the equivalent of the North Korean lottery. I might look like a cross between a puffer fish and Chairman Mao, but I’m still the Dear Leader, and I would have the power to make even my wildest fantasies come true.

Can you even imagine that? They would literally have to make my bedroom out of concrete and plastic and just hose the goddamned thing off every few days.