Breathalyser-condom-machine The dating firm Match decided they want to cut down on drunken sex so they created and installed what they’ve labeled the “Johnny Be Good” condom vending machine in a London pub. The only catch is that it’s activated with a breathalyzer.

If you blow into it and you’re sober, you get a free condom. If you blow into it and you’re drunk, you get AIDS.

This first machine is just a trial, and if it’s popular other machines will follow, but am I the only one here who thinks this just might be the dumbest goddamned invention on the planet?

Match came up with the idea for the machine after a survey found that a third of Brits don’t have the courage to sleep with someone the first time when they’re sober and over forty percent of respondents’ recent sexual history occurred while they were under the influence of alcohol.

Seriously? Only 40%?

Thanks to my Jew lawyer, I have an iron-clad marriage contract that forces my wife to sleep with me, but before that I don’t think I could ever have gotten laid without that magic demon elixir alcohol. And thanks to its inhibition lowering bad judgement making goodness, I was a next-morning mistake for almost a quarter dozen women.

For me, pregnancy is more terrifying than any STD, and if you’ve ever woken up next to a woman so hideous you literally prayed to God that when you pulled down the blankets you’d either see a condom wrapper or a tranny’s dick, you know that condoms should always be freely available to people making bad life choices.

Especially to people making bad life choices.