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I think we can all agree women are horrible creatures, and the sooner we eradicate them, the sooner we can have some peace and quiet on this planet.

The law may prevents us from taking action against them after they’re born, but there is a loophole. You can kill as many girls as you want provided they’re still in the womb.

Yesterday House Republicans tried to rob me of my God-given right to abort female fetuses by attempting to pass a bill that would have made it a crime to perform a sex-selection abortion. Thankfully, Democrats hate baby girls as much as me, and they prevented this abomination from being passed.

What exactly do you stupid Republicans think you’re going to accomplish with all of this? Do you like watching football with someone talking the whole time? Do you enjoy having to wipe down seats in public places because you just know some chick was rubbing her slimy cooch all over it before you arrived? I know I don’t.

Before my children were born, I analyzed those ultrasounds like they were treasure maps. Only when I was 100% sure I could spot a little baby dong did I decide the knitting needles weren’t going to be needed.

There was a bit of a hiccup when I demanded an immediate abortion for my first kid because I thought it was a dangerous minority. Luckily the tech explained that all fluid appears black on the scans, and you can’t tell race from an ultrasound. The little guy really dodged a bullet there.