No, that’s not a line from your nightmares, that’s the finding from Dr. Atis Muehlenbachs, a pathologist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Dr. Muehlenbachs reviewed a case from Columbia where a 41-year-old HIV-infected man was admitted to the hospital because he was suffering from fatigue, fever, coughing fits and weight loss.

After an examination, the man’s lungs and lymph nodes were found to be full of tiny tumors, and his stool was full of dwarf tapeworm eggs.

The tumors were then examined more thoroughly and found to have the same DNA as the tapeworms.

We know viruses and bacteria can cause cancer, but this is the first time it has been definitively shown that a parasite can do it.

Dr. Muehlenbachs has cautioned that this is a rare phenomenon, and the fact that the victim had a compromised immune system contributed to the cancer, but this is just one more reason we should be transitioning into cyborgs.

As we replace our faulty organic systems with space-aged metals, plastics and polymers, convenient bodily fluid filters could monitor our systems for signs of parasitic infections and advanced computers can use nano-bots to eradicate any other infections.

And I wouldn’t mind a prehensile penis while we’re at it. And I mean cartoonishly prehensile. I want to use that thing to hang from tree limbs and pick fruit like a goddamned monkey.

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