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Patricia Krentcil, who is a youthful looking 44 and doesn’t in any way resemble a well-oiled catcher’s mitt, feels that the sun isn’t just good for you; it’s a veritable fountain of youth. Eager to share this knowledge with her five-year-old, red-headed daughter, she allegedly took her into a tanning booth where the fair-skinned tot suffered burns.

Child Services intervened when a nurse at the little ginger’s school noticed a rash on her and miss blabber-mouth said it was from tanning with her mother. Mrs. Krentcil denies ever taking her child into a tanning booth and says she actually suffered the burns while outside gardening. Nonetheless, Mrs. Krentcil was charged with child endangerment and is now free on a $2,500 bond.

I am a little confused by this. Patricia Krentcil is obviously nuts, and I’ve seen people in black-face with a more natural color, but why is she facing jail time? The little fat kid who lives next-door to me just got back from the beach, and he looks like a damned lobster. Last time I checked his parents aren’t in any trouble.

There’s a ridiculous double-standard here. If you use technology to burn your kids you face incarceration but if you’re just a shitty parent who lets the sun do the work everything is fine.

Patricia Krentcil is clearly a moron, but this isn’t a criminal matter. Cases like this where stupidity is the real crime should be handled differently. All localities should have an overweight Jamaican woman on their staff who hears the cases and immediately dispenses justice.

In this instance I imagine she’d say something like, “Wha’choo tinkin’ takin dat baby in dere?” before hitting Mrs. Krentcil upside her head with a large wooden spoon. That makes a lot more sense to me than prison.