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I seem to get a sinus infection every fall or spring, and I hate going to the doctor. The waiting room is always filled with disgusting old people, and my weird sexual deviant doctor inevitably grills me on whether I’ve been with a prostitute, no matter what my complaint. I once played along and told him I had, and his eyes lit up like he’d met another kindred soul.

My godmother works in the same office, and she suspects the good doctor once got some strange throat infection from a hooker, and he’s made it his mission to save his fellow pervs from needless suffering. Oddly, she says he doesn’t ask everyone if they consort with whores. I guess I just give off a hooker-banging vibe.

When I didn’t feel like dealing with Doctor Weirdo, I’d just buy antibiotics from a Mexican supermarket. So long as you didn’t look like a cop, this place had no problem selling them to you. Unfortunately, the owner got busted for tax evasion last year, and the new owners stopped carrying illegal pills.

That leaves only one other option to get antibiotics, the pet store. I’ve always heard the antibiotics you put in your fish tank are the same ones they sell to poor people, and since I’m the curious sort, I decided to put that to the test. I started taking some “Fish Mox” (Amoxicillin) last Wednesday, and I have to say, it did the trick. By Sunday I was feeling pretty good.

I’m not advocating anyone else take medications designed for animals, but I for one am done with doctors. From now on I plan to treat all of my medical ailments with stuff I can buy in the fish section of my local pet store.