Tag Archives: North Korea

The Leader Of North Korea Would Be Nuts To Start A War

12 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , ,

Kim If America has proven one thing, it’s that we can kick the living shit out of weak countries without air forces or defensive missile technology. And barring an EMP burst or act of God to level the playing field, North Korea would fall to us in a few weeks.

That’s why I’m baffled that Kim Jong-un hasn’t backed down. Seriously, the guy looks like a failed genetic experiment, but he somehow lucked into the job of most powerful person in a country.

Sure, his country sucks, but he’s still the top guy in it. If he wants to walk through whatever in the hell he’s walking through in that picture and touch the exhibits, people just smile. That’s because they have to. He could literally have that guy in the giant hat fed to an octopus if he complained.

He has that kind of power, and it is fantastic!

If I was Kim, every night I would drop down to my fat little knees and thank the heavens for letting me hit the equivalent of the North Korean lottery. I might look like a cross between a puffer fish and Chairman Mao, but I’m still the Dear Leader, and I would have the power to make even my wildest fantasies come true.

Can you even imagine that? They would literally have to make my bedroom out of concrete and plastic and just hose the goddamned thing off every few days.

Explain The Situation In North Korea To Me Again

04 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Do not listen to that paperclip, sire. He is full of lies.

Do not listen to that paperclip, sire. He is full of lies.



Being an American is awesome. We never stopped spouting that liberty and justice nonsense, but we’ve somehow morphed into being the spoiled rich kid from every 80s movie. And the only thing we like more than combing our feathered hair or doing burnouts in our bitchin’ Corvette is pushing around chumps.

Sometimes, we don’t even know why we do it. We bombed the shit out of Serbia when they attacked Muslims, and then we turned around and attacked Muslims across the globe.

Just for giggles, we seem to be portraying the secular leader of Syria as a murderous dictator, but the beheading videos, chemical attacks and crimes against religious minorities are being carried out by the fake freedom fighters opposing him.

For an extra laugh, we even pretend these rebels aren’t the same terrorists we’re fighting everywhere else in the world.

The truth is the U.S. government has no more of a clue about what it’s doing in international affairs than it does domestically, and our leaders need to settle the fuck down with North Korea and stop escalating this conflict.

China is already massing troops on the North Korean border, and who knows what they’re planning. In the winter of 1950 about a quarter of a million screaming Chinamen launched a surprise attack against the American troops who invaded North Korea, and I’d probably try to avoid a repeat performance of that.

Then again, if Armageddon occurs, at least I won’t have to go to work. So there’s always that.

Why Hello There International Incident

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , ,

uri It appears there is a boutique travel agency in New Jersey that arranges tours to North Korea. It’s called Uri Tours, and they say trips to the communist paradise are booming. In fact, they expect a record 500 people to arrange visas through their service this year.

The company made the news when it was announced Dennis Rodman used them for his recent trip, and if they can get that head-case in and out of the country without him getting sent to a secret government prison, I’m sure they can handle me.

The only hiccup is my wife has outright forbidden me to book us a vacation there, but I’m sure she’ll be secretly pleased when I do it anyway. The Kim Il-sung birthday tour is only available once a year in mid-April, and I don’t want to miss it.

For eight glorious nights we’ll be able to party with the locals while they praise the life of their past leader. There’s also a tour scheduled of the newly opened mausoleum which holds the preserved bodies of Kim Il-sung and his son, Kim Jong-il. Each of them is viewable under a clear sarcophagus, and as long as I can fight the urge to get a picture of me doing a blowfish on the glass, I expect it to be  pretty cool.

As with anything this awesome, there are some downsides. Each foreigner is assigned their own chaperone who goes everywhere you do, and according to people who’ve taken the tour, they act like they’re your fun uncle, but they’re really just spies for the regime.

Considering the country is broke as shit, I have to hope my spy will be susceptible to bribes. With any luck, we’ll be able to get into some mischief and maybe even hunt some villagers for sport. Who knows; we’ll have to play it by ear.

Shit Or Get Off The Pot, North Korea

11 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Do these binoculars make me look fat?

Do these binoculars make me look fat?



Look, North Korea, I like you. I like you a lot. Your crazy pronouncements, Stalinist police state and absolute willingness to let your people starve while you pour all your resources into building nukes is awesome. It’s just that I’m getting a little tired of your vague threats.

Last week North Korean leader Kim Jong Un told his troops to be ready for all-out war and cancelled the non-aggression pacts between his shithole of a country and South Korea. It seems he has his little panties in a bunch because of the latest round of sanctions, and he also threatened to launch a pre-emptive nuclear attack against the U.S.

Okay, Kim, you might have a chick’s name, but it’s time to prove you’re a real man. And the only way you’re going to be able to do that is to follow through on your threats. You need to step up and kick someone’s ass.

First off, you need to be realistic. Your back-assed little country is incapable of making a nuclear missile because you can’t make a small enough warhead. Plus, let’s not forget that every single one of your missiles has either exploded or fallen randomly into the sea. You’ve never hit a goddamned thing smaller than an ocean, and I doubt you could hit us.

But, you have balloon technology, right? Have you thought about inflating a bunch of party balloons and trying to float your bomb over here? By my rough calculations, you’d only need 4.5 million of them to get your nuke airborne.

You know you want to try it, you crazy bastards. Now do it.

The Axis Of Awesome

20 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

NKOREA Rocket 7Last week North Korea carried out another nuclear test, and this one confirmed they’re in the process of perfecting a plutonium warhead. Their goal is to make it small and reliable enough to fit on a missile, and when coupled with one of their half-assed ICBMs, they would have a credible threat of hitting the west coast of the U.S with a nuke.

And, it gets better. There’s also speculation that North Korea is sharing technology with Iran, and before long, they too may have an offensive nuclear capability.

Lucky for us we have a competent and efficient government that is capable of fixing our domestic problems and will no doubt have a solution to this crisis.

What? We don’t? Our government is hopelessly inept and you’d sooner see Michael J. Fox win a game of Jenga then these pricks solve anything.

Lucky for all concerned I have a solution to this problem, and if everyone just listens to me, everything will be fine. We just need to stop fighting these guys and join them.

Before you groan and go back to surfing midget porn, hear me out. If you’re going to get into a bar fight, you want two lunatics on your side. Two guys that plain just don’t give a fuck and have no compunction about breaking bottles or using babies as human shields.

That’s Iran and North Korea. They’re two cock-punching, ear biting psychopaths, and we should party. We could call ourselves the Axis of Awesome, and just dare people to mess with us.

And to prove we mean business, the first order of business would be to take France’s lunch money. If they complain, we’ll blow up one of their faggy little art museums.

Go North Korea, Go

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Kim When Kim Jong-il died back in 2011 I was afraid that the North Korean crazy train had finally reached the end of the line. No longer would a hereditary and all-powerful leader focus all of his nation’s meager resources on nukes and the military while the people starved.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about because Kim Jong-un is showing signs he’s every bit as nuts as his dad and grandfather. Just look at him sitting on top of that horse. God damn they look magnificent. It’s like the Marlboro Man had sex with a radioactive Korean prostitute, and Kim Jong-un was their mutant spawn.

Last week North Korea launched what’s its calling a weather satellite into space, and according to U.S. officials, it’s already tumbling out of orbit. Hopefully, it will take out one of our own “weather satellites” so the government will have slightly less ability to monitor every damn aspect of our lives.


Most experts agree North Korea doesn’t really care about the satellite, and this launch was just a test of a three-stage rocket capable of launching a nuclear payload to the U.S. West Coast. Once that technology is proven, they could use it to extort more cash from our government.

Say what you will, but considering North Korea’s foreign policy seems to be based on rejected plots for James Bond villains, this isn’t a terrible plan. Plus, their rockets are so unpredictable, if one is launched at us, it could land anywhere from Canada to Honduras. They could probably use that as leverage to get a little cash from those countries, too.

North Korea Vows To Turn Seoul To Ashes

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Humor

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Fresh off its latest missile turned submarine test, North Korea has lobbed a number of threats at its neighbor to the south. My favorite was the one where they said they would reduce the South Korean capital to ashes by “unprecedented peculiar means and methods of our own style.”

Say what you will about those crazy little bastards, but no one crafts a line best uttered by a supervillain better than them.

North Korea has its panties in a bunch because South Korea’s leader, Lee Myung-Bak, mentioned last week that the estimated $850 million North Korea just wasted trying to launch a rocket could have been better spent. Specifically, it could have been used to buy 2.5 million tons of corn for its starving population.

Seeing as that statement made perfect sense, it enraged the North Koreans. As socialists, they despise reason and logic and have pledged themselves only to advocate policies doomed to fail.

The fact that North Korea has a new leader who suffered humiliation on the world stage immediately after taking office has led many to suspect the nuclear-armed North will attack the South in some way. It could be cyber-terrorism, actual terrorism, or a manufactured military clash on the border.

Then again, seeing as we’re talking about North Korea, they may just up and do something truly nuts. I envision a thousand men on hang-gliders made of bamboo and thatch launching kamikaze attacks against the South Korean navy. Yep, that sounds exactly crazy enough to be their plan.

The Socialist Paradise Of North Korea

16 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in Humor

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

North Korea is like a deformed dwarf with a drinking problem and a chip on its shoulder. It fails miserably at everything it tries, but it keeps getting up, wiping off the dust and failing right over again.

Their socialist ideology is a joke, about five percent of their population actually starved to death in the 90s, and the current population gets so little food, they’re becoming a race of midgets. I’m serious about that. Eighteen-year-old males are now 5 inches shorter than their South Korean counterparts, and that’s pretty impressive considering the South Koreans aren’t exactly giants.

This country is the penultimate example of why democracy and capitalism are superior. In those systems if one party fails long enough, someone else gets elected and tries something new. We might have our faults, but I don’t see 30% of our population eating grass.

Instead of focusing on its agricultural sector, non-existent infrastructure or primitive public health system, North Korea just tried to launch a satellite into orbit with predictably hilarious results. It broke up shortly after takeoff and is now at the bottom of the Yellow Sea.

For sake of comparison, capitalist South Korea now has the world’s 15th economy when ranked by GDP and has to give aid to its retarded brother to the north.

The next time you hear some dumbass touting the benefits of socialism, draw a picture of North Korea on your fist and punch them in the face with it. And don’t worry if you hurt them; it’s about time something got through their thick skulls.