For much of our history, the U.S. was like Mexico’s big brother. We periodically took their stuff and kicked their ass, and there wasn’t much they could do about it. There was even a rumor that U.S. president Theodore Roosevelt gave Mexican dictator Porfirio Diaz a wet willy during an official visit, but that has never been substantiated.
The U.S. actually went to war with its weaker neighbor in 1846, and we delivered a crushing defeat. Our forces occupied Mexico’s capital, and the country was forced to give up roughly half its territory. If it hadn’t been for the Chupacabras infesting what is now northern Mexico, we probably would have taken even more.
For over 160 years Mexican patriots have dreamed of retaking the land lost to the gringos, but the Mexican army knew it wasn’t up to the job. Their armored burros were no match for American tanks, and the Mexican army’s battle sombreros provided little protection against U.S. artillery and mortars.
Lucky for Mexico, the U.S. government and Supreme Court have given them an easy option to reclaim their territory. They just need to walk over here and take it. Technically, they’d have to do a little more than that, but not much more.
The Federal government has decided anyone born in the U.S., even if their parents are here illegally, is a U.S. citizen. The government has also decided to halt deportations of young immigrants. Based on that, all Mexico needs to do is send their pregnant women over the border to give birth, and not only will the kids be born U.S. citizens, but U.S. taxpayers will have to pay for it. In a few decades Mexico would have enough U.S. citizens to vote in any policies they want, including regaining their lost land.
If you Mexicans want to hire me as a consultant, I have tons of other great ideas, and I will accept cases of Negra Modela as payment.
The Pew Hispanic Center just released a study showing that for the first time since the Great Depression more Mexicans are leaving the U.S. than coming in. I can’t say that I’m totally surprised. Thanks to the incompetence of both Democrats and Republicans our once mighty economy has tanked, and we’re just not the same country we used to be.
Many of those leaving the U.S. have cited the drop in home prices in Mexico as a key reason they’re heading home. A glut of chicken wire, cardboard and mismatched boards has driven Mexican home prices into the single digits, finally putting the dream of home ownership within reach of the average Mexican. In most instances, it’s actually below the cost of a Taco Bell value meal.
Another thing making Mexico attractive is a recent burro baby boom. No one is sure why, but the population of the small donkeys has exploded in recent years allowing even the poorest Mexicans access to cheap and reliable transportation.
The final piece of the puzzle has to be the fact that you can actually live your life in Mexico without having every single goddamned aspect of it regulated, like here in the U.S. You may have to worry about corrupt officials, murderous drug cartels and the ever-present chupacabra menace, but at least you can talk on your walkie-talkie while driving your 1963 Ford Fairlane without getting a ticket.
Mexico, it’s now officially the land of the free.