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les-stroud-2-sizedIt seems like there are dozens of survival shows on television, and they all follow the same basic formula. A person or team is dropped off in some remote location and they have to rely on their wits and skills to survive for a few days until they’re rescued.

In reality, there is a support crew just off-camera, and these people are just following a script. They’re supposed to do interesting, and sometimes very dumb things to entertain, but they don’t teach many practical skills.

For one, if you’re a man and you find yourself stranded in the wilderness with a woman, you should not view her as a partner. You should plan to eat her as soon as possible.

Her constant nagging and bathroom breaks will just slow you down, but when properly prepared and cooked, her high fat and water content will provide the nutrients you need to make it.

Survival shows also show their cast members making neat little fires surrounded by stones so they won’t spread. That’s the last thing you want to do. You want to set the forest on fire at your first opportunity.

Fires bring fire fighters, and with all the trees gone, you’ll be easier to spot.

Last but not least, don’t just run and jump into the arms of the first rescuer you see. You’re a murderous, cannibal, arsonist, psychopath, and if you try to go back to society, they’ll just lock you in a cage like some animal.

You need to play it cool. Act like you’re injured, and when your rescuer gets close, you should have the element of surprise.

Knock him out with a rock hidden behind your back, and when he’s unconscious, use his multi-tool to carefully skin him. Then you can wear his skin to assume his identity and start your new life.