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Our military has fallen in love with unmanned combat drones as a way to reduce human casualties. We have the MQ-9 Reaper, X-47B, and a host of others, but all of them share one flaw; they’re unmanned aerial vehicles. The military realized that in order to fight the wars of the 21st century, we need a ground-based model that can handle those face-to-face encounters that are such a staple of modern combat.

Army brass thought they had the solution to their problem earlier this month when field trials were conducted of the new prototype soldier, HAL (High Accuracy Low distance). It was based upon the chassis of a recently deceased Army Staff Sgt., Robert Bales, who was killed in combat last year.

Project lead, Dr. Mike Codajoy, explains. “One night I was drinking heavily when Robocop came on, and I thought, Shit, I could do that. All we’d have to do is get a dead soldier, replace his human body with cybernetic parts, connect them to the brain, and whammo, undead super soldier.”

Lab tests were promising, and a field test was scheduled for March 11, 2012 in the Panjwai district of the Kandahar Province, Afghanistan. According to Dr. Codajoy, that’s when things went tragically wrong.

“It seems someone set the thing to evil, and when we all went to bed he snuck out of the lab and went on a killing spree. In hindsight, I probably never should have bought those neural processors at the House of Evil: Your One-Stop Evil Shop. Aside from their frogurt, that place has been nothing but bad luck.”