Every year around this time I hear some media outlet claiming that suicides increase over the holidays because of all the depressed people who have to spend them alone. There’s only one problem; it’s complete bullshit.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the months of November, December and January actually have the lowest number of suicides, and most suicides actually take place in spring and summer.
But this myth does raise one question. If you’re already contemplating killing yourself, does a holiday suicide make sense?
For your entire life you’ve lived in the background. You never got to throw a touchdown to win the big game, you never got the hot girl, and never once did you break out a spontaneous song and dance number that brought two fighting sides together.
This is supposed to be your moment, and if really want them to miss you when you’re gone, you can’t share your big day with a bunch of other depressed losers. You need to go out with a bang, and I know just what you should do.
Option 1: Santacide – The idea here is you want to make it look like Santa was killed in a tragic accident. Ideally you’ll dress up in a Santa suit and get a large sleigh and fill it with presents. Then push it off the roof of a tall building and jump afterward. You do this and you’ll have the most famous suicide since Kurt Cobain and Hitler.
Option 2: The Baby New Year – You already spend a lot of time alone on the Internet, and you know there’s nothing more thrilling than typing the word “First” in the comments section.
Now imagine how exciting it will be to have the year’s first suicide. This is also far simpler than Santacide. All you need to do is dress up in a large diaper, a top hat and a sash with the year on it.
Then, you can either kill yourself or just walk down the street and wait for an overzealous police officer to do it for you. And don’t worry that they won’t shoot an unarmed man dressed as a baby. If you make a quick move for your diaper, they’ll take care of the rest.