The hospital where my three unwanted miracles were born has a close relationship with a group called La Leche League. And each time we had a kid, one of these lactavists would come to our room and tell us how we were putting their future at risk if we dared to use formula instead of the food our babies were designed to consume.

Since these kids had half my DNA, I was hoping she meant Miller Lite and Hot Pockets, but she really meant breast milk.

On three separate occasions they claimed children who were breastfed perform higher on standardized tests, and one of them said it is equivalent to boosting a child’s IQ by seven points.

I understand that thanks to the transfer of antibodies from the mother, breastfeeding has been proven to help newborns fight infections.

Breastfeeding might also help preemies put on weight faster than formula, but as I’ve always suspected, a new study published in the journal Pediatrics shows breastfeeding has little impact on long-term cognitive or behavioral development.

You only see an IQ difference because smart parents are always looking for a way to give their kids a head-start, and since intelligence is mostly inherited, those same high IQ parents who made the conscious choice to breastfeed also pass on their high IQ genes to their kids.

And if you still have any doubts, watch any National Geographic documentary on people with various bones in their noses or plates in their lips. I guarantee they all have a nearly 100% breastfeeding rate, and these savages still live in goddamned huts.