Nothing Says Save The Planet Like A Good Tire Fire

Nothing Says Save The Planet Like A Good Tire Fire

One of my dumbass family members just took a fossil-fuel powered vehicle two thousand miles to protest the Dakota Access pipeline. It seems even her massive carbon footprint can’t blot out her sense of righteous indignation that greedy oil companies are planning to safely and efficiently move oil from North Dakota to Illinois.

Don’t get me wrong, the oil will still be moved, but without the pipeline it will go by rail and trucks that will consume about 5% of the energy of the oil along the way as well as raise the possibility of accidents like the crude oil train explosion in Quebec that killed over 40 people.

This $3.8 billion dollar pipeline project is 80% complete, and once finished it will move enough crude oil to supply over a gallon of processed gasoline to every man, woman and child in the country every single day. But I guess these self-centered environmentalists don’t want my baby girl to get her gallon.

I used to recycle and tried to do my part to help make the planet less shitty, but eco-nuts have gone off the rails so far that I’ve gone off the rails in an equal and opposite direction just to spite them.

I don’t live in coal country, but I actually installed a coal burning stove in the basement so I could heat my house while at the same time enveloping it in an acrid cloud of anthracite coal smog and dead dinosaurs.

And if you’re like me and plan to stick it to the hippies with a coal stove, don’t. It was good for a laugh, but it fucking sucks. It somehow manages to cover every surface within 100 feet with a fine layer of soot, and it reeks of a smell that’s a weird mix of Thunderbird fortified wine and diesel.