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This morning as I patiently waited in line at 7-11 to get my breakfast Slurpee, the guy in front of me was describing the haunted house he went to a few days ago. He seemed bizarrely impressed with it, and at one point he said it was a lot like the Jaycees haunted house, only on steroids.

In your stupid faces, Jaycess.

As I tried to drown out the rest of his inane conversation by using the power of my mind to strangle him like Darth Vader, it hit me. This fat fuck was right, and things on steroids are better.

For some unknown reason, the mincing frogs who run the Tour de France, and even the heads of real sports like football, basketball and baseball test their athletes to ensure they’re not using performance enhancing drugs. My question is, why?

Instead of trying to keep this magic juice out of the game, they should encourage it. I still remember how awesome baseball used to be when all the players were juiced. Well, technically it was still boring and sucked, but all those home runs made it slightly less boring.

Football also benefitted from walking syringes like Bill Romanowski. He was so filled with ‘roid rage he once attacked a teammate and hit him so hard the guy was forced to retire.

Why should sports only be reserved for people who hit the genetic lottery and were born with speed and strength? Thanks to the miracle of modern science, anybody can have a shot.