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I like my coffee like I like my prostitutes, black and bitter, so when I stopped at a Starbucks for the first time in years this morning and ordered a large black coffee, I figured it would be a fairly simple transaction. I could not have been more wrong.

The bubbly counter girl gave me an exhaustive lesson on their products, and I don’t know if she was over-caffeinated or just insane, but she bounced on one foot the whole time she talked. Normally that would be off-putting, but since she was somewhat stacked and jiggled the whole time, it was awesome.

As I sat down, enjoyed my coffee and fantasized about soaking a rag in chloroform and giving that barista a night she would hopefully never remember, I turned on my laptop. The first story I saw was one stating Starbucks dyes their drinks with bugs, and I was intrigued.

For some reason, a large number of artificial red dyes are carcinogenic, so the natural dye made from cochineal bugs is making a comeback as a food additive. It seems that in order to make their Strawberry Frappuccinos more “natural,” Starbucks has started using crushed cochineal bugs to color them.

Vegans are now pissed because they’ve been drinking bug juice without knowing it, and morons are also alarmed because they don’t realize this dye is already in everything from food, to lipstick to pills, and they’ve probably already eaten it a few times this month.

Let this be a lesson to you.  If you want things that are “all natural,” the trade-off is you’re going to end up eating plants, bugs and other weird shit.

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